An interesting thing has been happening since I wrote Help last week. People have been coming forward and sharing their personal struggles and difficult feelings with me. Which is great! I mean, that was a big reason why I wrote the post. Openly talking about the tough stuff takes the pressure off. It relieves the facade of needing to be perfect that is so prevalent in today’s society.
But, I want to make something clear. Just because my struggle, cancer, tends to seem more serious, doesn’t make your struggle any less real or any less important. Many of the conversations I’ve had, have gone something like this, “I know it doesn’t compare to anything that you’re going through, but I feel the same way” or “what you’re going through is way harder than anything I’m experiencing”. I appreciate the sentiment and recognition of the serious nature of my situation. But please don’t get caught downplaying yours. I don’t want anyone to think my problem is somehow superior to yours. Because it’s not. Your situation, your struggle is just as equally important. It’s not a competition of who suffers more. It’s about relating to the commonality within us all.
I am prone to doing this too, though. Each time I go to my oncologist’s office, I see people that are in significantly worse situations than mine. It’s weird, in most every other situation I always feel like the only sick person in the room. But when I go to see my oncologist I actually feel relatively healthy. This has led me to feel as though my illness wasn’t as important as all of the other patients. Which has caused me to downplay my side effects and symptoms, or not mention them at all, to the nurses and doctor. “They see people in much worse shape than me, I don’t have to tell them about this little thing that’s been bothering me. It’s probably not important.”
I just recently noticed this tendency of mine and have been making an effort to remedy it. Lately, I’ve started going into these appointments intentionally trying to play up how I feel. If I feel like I’m making things seem worse than they are, I’m probably ending up around neutral. An accurate depiction. I thought I was doing the oncology staff a service by not bogging them down with my seemingly innocuous side effects. I didn’t realize that they definitely want and also NEED an exact description of every little thing in order to get me the proper treatment. So not only was I doing myself a disservice by not speaking up, I was also doing my doctor a disservice by not accurately telling him how I felt.
In Jack Kornfield’s book, The Wise Heart, he explains the importance of balancing perspectives.
We have seen how consciousness, like light, functions on one level as particles and on another like waves. So too our existence has both a universal and a personal dimension. This psychological paradox is called the Two Truths. Sometimes these two dimensions, two truths, are mistranslated as the “absolute” and the “relative”. This mistranslation makes it appear that the absolute or universal has higher value than the relative or personal, but they are actually two complementary aspects of reality. Both dimensions must be respected if we are to be happy and free.
When we take the universal perspective, our issues don’t seem to matter because we’re just tiny blips floating on a rock through space and time. So why bother addressing them? And when we take the personal perspective, our issues are the only things that matter because this life is all we have. So of course we should address them. This is not an either/or situation. Both of these things are true at all times.
It’s easy to see the suffering of the world and feel like our individual problems don’t matter. It’s true, there will always be people that have it worse than us. And yes, we should do what we can to help those people. But that doesn’t mean we neglect the pressing issues in our own individual lives. These things are simultaneously equal in importance. It’s about cultivating the awareness within ourselves so we can toggle between these competing perspectives. There is a time for the big picture and there is also a time to focus in on ourselves. And it’s up to each one of us to find the right balance.
I think it’s possible to relate to another person’s hardship without discounting our own. We usually think the other person wants us to emphasize their situation. But, usually, at least for me, it’s about just knowing that the other person is going through some tough shit too. It doesn’t matter what it is. What matters is the neutralizing effect that sharing has on isolation.
I realized that the reason I haven’t spoken up about this stuff before is because I was nervous and afraid. I wanted people to have this image of me as an easy-going, go with the flow type guy, who isn’t bothered by anything. I’m learning that sometimes you have to let go of the person you want to be in order to just be the person that you are.
If you don’t mention what’s important, or claim that things are not that big of a deal to you, people are going to believe you. And treat you accordingly. If you keep downplaying your situation, people won’t take it seriously.
Talking about deep, important personal issues is tough stuff. I don’t presume it to be otherwise. I realize that this vulnerability is a privilege. And it may seem effortless for me, it’s most definitely not. I get nervous before putting this stuff out there. But I’ve realized that if I can endure some short term nervousness and hit publish, it lessens the burden of not being heard in the long-term.
Not wholeheartedly speaking up is a lose-lose. It helps no one. So if something is bothering you, please try and accurately communicate that. If you’ve changed your mind about something, let those who matter know. If you’ve been holding onto something for a long time, it might be better to talk about it. And if people aren’t giving you support, it’s okay to ask for it. Who are you helping by not?
Thank you so much for reading and let me know your thoughts!