Help

This post is for the feelers. The people, like me, who feel things so deeply that sometimes they wish they could turn them off.

It’s becoming more popular and acceptable to speak up about our struggles in today’s world. Which is a good thing. But, finding, and tapping into, the proper channels of support for these struggles isn’t as easy as some people may think it is. It’s a challenging process because “getting help” is truly individualized. I want to shed some light on what this process actually looks like for me because I think our society tends to have a romanticized view of what “getting help” actually looks like.

Telling someone to get help is well-intentioned. It usually comes from a place of love and caring. Unfortunately, it so often comes after the fact. It’s a bit flippant to say, “man, I wish he/she got professional help” or “I wish they had just talked to me about this”, like it’s this simple cure-all that is obvious in real time. As my friend, Anthony Cinelli, stated after Mac Miller’s passing, “there is a kind of sitcom TV view of help”. It’s not like, “oh, well this thing came up and I was easily able to bring it up with the first person I came across. Luckily, after revealing this deeply troubling issue of mine this person understood me correctly, didn’t interject themselves into the situation, cared about it as deeply as me, didn’t run away, didn’t deflect with “just be positive”, knew exactly the right things to say to me and left me with actionable advice. I will never have to face this issue again”. But I think that’s exactly how some people think it goes.

Now, I don’t have depression or a mental illness. I don’t have an addiction problem. I’m sick with cancer, and they’re not the same thing. I realize that I have the privilege of being open about my struggles because there’s not as big of a stigma attached to it. There’s more sympathy and understanding of cancer. And I’m also lucky because I do have a lot of other things going for me. I know that some aren’t in as good of a spot.

But I do think there are some similarities. For instance, nobody tells you how lonely having cancer is. Especially when you get diagnosed in your mid-twenties, in what are supposed to be your “peak years”. I’m writing this post shortly after spending the 4 days of Memorial Day Weekend in bed. As I’ve written about many times before, the mental, emotional and social side effects of my cancer have proved equally, if not more challenging, than dealing with the physical side effects.

I know what it’s like to feel sad, depressed, anxious and alone. And I’m constantly seeking help to cope with these feelings. It’s a process, a give and take. It’s been a bit grueling at times, and this process is not set in stone. As circumstances change, so does the support needed.

But here’s where I’m at in terms of “getting help”.

The first step in getting the support you want is to know what it is you need.

At first, I resisted talking about my disease, as I lived in denial for the first few months. I then realized how much better talking about it openly makes me feel. It soon became apparent to me that I need to talk about it.

A lot of people told me that getting diagnosed with cancer would change everything. And boy, were they right. It has changed EV-RY-THING.

For example, when I see people now and they ask “how are you?” or “how have you been?” it confuses me. “Well are you asking about the cancer or are you just casually greeting me?” I usually just respond with “all good”, it’s easier and more times than not the person is just greeting me. Doing this often leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth, cause, in fact, it’s not always good.

I’ve grown to really appreciate direct inquiry. The best is when someone straight up asks, “So how have you been feeling?” or “how’s treatment going?”. If you want to know, ask me using words I don’t have to decipher.

When I’m out and about I usually don’t want to sit and talk your ear off about my disease. I want to enjoy being out socially. However, a simple acknowledgement would be nice. Show me that you care enough to ask. This seems to be getting harder and harder to come by. I’ll get to that a little later though. This acknowledgement means that someone is willing to look directly at my difficult situation, without turning away or pretending that it’s all good. It shows me that they’re willing to participate in how I’m feeling, even if it’s just for a split second. And that means so much.

Okay, so I know I need to talk about it. And I know that I like direct, brief acknowledgements.

The second step is to know who you are going to get support from. More importantly, know who you are NOT going to get it from.

When I first got diagnosed, I got smothered with “if there is anything I can do to help just let me know.” I appreciate and am grateful for all of those messages. But those messages kind of fall into the same bucket as “go get some help”. It takes the burden of responsibility away from the onlooker and puts it back on the slumped shoulders of the recipient. “Well if he doesn’t let me know what I can do, I guess he’s alright. I did my part.” So here’s what everyone can do for me, be proactive. Be specific. Be direct.

Getting all those messages also made me believe that my existing social relationships would be all the support I would need. As I alluded to in the prior step, I’ve realized that’s not the case. My friends and peers don’t seem overly concerned about my cancer anymore. They’re more concerned with where the next party is. I mean, I get it, the prognosis is good, the numbers are good, so I must be good!

The inquiries, requests for updates, in-person acknowledgements and overall level of care seems to be drying up. I guess it’s partly due to the long-term nature of my form of cancer. But, it’s a bit unnerving to see this happening after just 14 months of what’s shaping up to be a life long illness. It could be because they just don’t remember. It could be because they think I don’t want to talk about it. It could be because they are uncomfortable talking about sickness and struggle. It could be because they have their own lives to deal with. It could be because they see me and I don’t look sick. After all, everyone always tells me how good I look! I can’t be sick, I look so good! (Sigh)

Being in my mid twenties and wanting to talk about cancer-induced feelings and my health struggles has left me feeling like a fish out of water. Like I said before though,  I’m not asking for people to sit there and chat about it for hours. But a simple acknowledgement? Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is. God forbid I bring down the “vibes”.

I guess this is what I get for basing so much of my prior social life around drinking beer. I mean, the biggest problem my peers seem to face is figuring out what bar they’re going to hit at night. I know that’s not entirely true but it’s often how I feel. It’s sports, memes, alcohol and travel, if it’s not in that lane don’t bother bringing it up. There’s no depth, none, zero.

Do I think that these people don’t care about my well-being because they don’t ask? No. I know they care. But is it really prudent of me to go searching for deep emotional connection here? It seems a bit naive now.

I’m learning that being vulnerable with and looking for support from everyone in your life is going to end up in disappointment. Some people are just not going to be there for you on the level you need them to be. A lot of people just won’t understand what life is like for you. And some people are simply too oblivious to care. And that’s alright. That doesn’t make them bad people. That doesn’t mean they’re not friends anymore. It just is what it is.

It’s easy to turn on oneself and get negative in these situations when needs aren’t met. And to think you are the problem or somehow wrong for opening up. But that’s not it either. There is nothing wrong with opening up and putting yourself out there. Or even just wanting to do so. It says nothing bad about you, it says more about the person on the other end of the conversation. Some people might just not be ready for it. And that’s okay.

It’s also easy to respond to not being met by just shutting down completely. I’m trying, with as much grace as I can muster, to not make it this way. Just because someone is closed off one day doesn’t mean they will be the next time. I understand that other people have to be in the right frame of mind to help. And surprising them with opening up about deep personal stuff can lead to some missed communication and harsh feelings. So perhaps it is wise to ask someone before sharing if they are in the right frame of mind to receive. It sucks and feels really awkward but I think it stands to help both sides of the conversation.

Some relationships in your life will be just for fun. And some will be deeper than that. Knowing what to expect from whom is what it’s all about.

The third step is know how you are going to get the support you need.

So far I’ve figured out that:

  1.  I need to talk about my cancer and it’s many life changing implications
  2. That I’m not getting the level of support I need from my social circle

This is where the “getting help” part actually comes in. I decided to seek the support of a professional therapist.  I know it kind of seemed like I was talking down on therapy before. Quite the opposite. My experience with therapy has actually been very positive. The steady guidance, compassionate welcoming and unbiased listening has proved invaluable. This stuff can not be replicated. It’s been wonderfully difficult. It’s been exactly what I need.

To think that therapy is easy, is a mistake. To my surprise, most of the “solutions” we’ve come up with have fallen back on my shoulders. Something I was very much looking to offload. The actual process of being in the room can feel kind of intense. You have to be 100% open when you’re there. And, well, you have to go and talk about some tough shit, you have to face all the things that are bothering you. Like I said, it’s hard work. However, that effort and vulnerability is needed because that is how the healing starts.

What needs to be made apparent though, is that you usually only have 1 hour a week together with your therapist. So even with professional help, much of “the work” has to occur outside the session. Finding some other ways to work through this stuff is recommended.

Reading and writing have become essential support channels for me. I write online here, and I also write in a personal journal. Writing has given me an outlet out of my head. The blank page staring back at me doesn’t care what I say. It’s that openness and freedom to say whatever I want that is restorative for me. Spiritual reading has also become a mainstay in my daily routine. Books and articles that tend to stare unblinkingly into the face of suffering are actually quite refreshing for me.

There’s this collective, gossip-inducing gasp when people find out a celebrity or a friend is going to therapy. “Like, oh my god, this person must be broken” or “things must be really bad for them.” It can be a lot to overcome. But, just know that at least one person is applauding your efforts. And also know that you DO NOT have to tell a single soul that you are attending therapy. It does not have to be a public affair. It’s whatever you feel comfortable with.

If you have people within your social circle that get you what you need, great! Rely on them. I do have a few of those people, most of them have the last name Mullooly. But I need more. There’s no right or wrong answer, it’s whatever you need. Which can change over time. Just know there’s no shame or weakness in seeking professional help. There are trained professionals near you that I’m sure would be happy to meet with you or at least point you in the right direction. Psychology Today is a good place to start.

The fourth step is to know when you need the support.

This step is tricky. Because, like a lot of other people, when I’m feeling good I don’t think I need help. But when I feel bad I’m so glad that I now have it.  It’s so damn difficult to see when you are actually the one that needs help. There’s this wall of resistance called pride that can be treacherous to breach. “I don’t need help, I can take care of things myself because I am strong!”. I’ll admit that I needed nudging from my parents to seek the help of a therapist. Thanks Mom and Dad!

It sounds so weird to say but a lot of us are resistant to help. I know I was at first. No matter how many times we hear “go get help” we still don’t think it applies to us. I thought this way for a while, “I’m the one who is going to be the help, I don’t need help.” Well guess what? Sometimes the help needs help too.

We also tend to think that getting help is only for those that are in trying, desperate times. It doesn’t have to wait until the last minute. In fact, it shouldn’t wait until then. These support channels need to be in place before things go wrong. We need to seek the proper skills, support and responses before the worst happens. It needs to happen when we’re feeling good because it’s near impossible to seek support when you’re feeling down. Even the most basic of tasks can feel overwhelming when people are not in the proper head-space. Getting out of bed and showering can feel like being asked to climb Mount Everest. It’s not always realistic to ask people to get up, get themselves to their therapist’s office and then be able to effectively communicate what they’re feeling and pay attention enough to get something out of it.

So what are we supposed to do? Regular practices. Regular therapy sessions. Especially when you are feeling good. Build self-care, self-help or therapy into your routine. Make it a priority. Learn how to get yourself what you need before you need it. Cultivate that awareness. Pay attention to how your body feels and how your mind feels.

It can be onerous to recall those troublesome feelings when you’re feeling good. I get it. We don’t want to go there when we’re feeling good. It’s easier to just avoid it and pretend you won’t feel those ways again. But, I’m telling you, if you can figure all this stuff out when you’re feeling good your future self will thank you.

Like I said in the very beginning, there are some aspects of my life I wish I could just turn off and not feel. Do I wish that I could just brush off my cancer diagnosis and get back to the way my life was before? Sometimes, yeah. Do I wish that it didn’t take so much “work” for me to feel good somedays? Yes. Do I wish I never got diagnosed in the first place? Of course. But, life doesn’t work this way. We’re forced to accept things as they are, or live a life of delusion.

We have to get past the belief that “getting help” is someone else’s problem. The onlookers (people saying go get help) so often want the after effects of that help. We want the person to figure their shit out, then come back to us when it’s all good and be the person we knew them to be before.  We passively wait until it’s our time to swoop back in when the coast is clear without ever getting our hands dirty. Is that really fair? It’s tough, though. Because it does mostly fall on the help-seeker’s shoulders. But that doesn’t mean the onlookers can’t participate and support along the way. Suggesting someone “get help” without believing that you can, and should, be part of that help is ill-considered.

I’ll end with this: even when things seem fine, check on people. Even when you’re scared to get the real answers, check on people. Even when it appears like they have everything together, check on people. Even if you feel like you’re bothering someone, check on people. Even if they don’t ask you to, check on people. And sometimes, you’re going to be the person who needs checking in on. So check in on yourself too. And if you ever feel like it’s too much, I hope you’ll ask for help.

 

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