I hate feeling like I’m giving up. I hate feeling defeated by my leukemia. Allowing myself to feel the brunt of the disease feels like I’m giving up. It feels like I’m “getting beat”. It feels like I’m moving backwards. Last week, I was exhausted and could feel myself getting to the end of my rope. I felt like I was supposed to just keeping going. That I just needed to grit my teeth and get through it. These two quotes came to mind:
“The best way out is always through” – attributed to Robert Frost
“When you’re going through hell, keep going” – attributed to Winston Chruchill
When we have problems in our lives we think we have to “get through” them. The word “through” conveys this idea of movement, which we assume must mean moving “forward”. That we are to trudge on with our heads down. These quotes also both suggest that resolution is possible. We have this belief imbedded in us that we deserve answers to our problems. That we are somehow being wronged, or that we are deficient, when we can’t find solutions to our troubles.
But, what if there was another “way out“? That’s not so much a way out but more of a way in. What if getting through something could also mean going back the way we came?
We can move through difficult times by surrendering to them. By allowing ourselves to feel what we feel. By dropping our internal guards down for even a few seconds. By admitting to ourselves when we feel pain, discomfort or uneasiness. And just being with it. And not trying to solve it. Often our resistance to certain states of being are much worse than just allowing ourselves to simply feel those things.
By getting rid of this notion that all of our problems are meant to be solved, we can move through life 
with a bit more grace and a lot less resistance.
I realize that there is a time and place for both ways of moving through. I push through my cancer-related fatigue and grit my teeth most days because I understand that I can’t give in to it everyday. If I did, I would never leave the house. But, I’ve also realized a pattern that’s happened over the last few months. In early December, February and now April, I’ve reached a breaking point where I seem to just not be able to push anymore. I know I’m reaching the end of the rope when I start to feel angry. At myself and outwardly towards others. It takes a few days for me to realize that I’m not angry at others or even at myself. That I’m just frustrated with my situation and circumstances. Paradoxically, allowing myself to feel these things takes their power away.
Last week, when I finally admitted to myself just how exhausted I was, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt a lot lighter. I was able to see how much pain and suffering I was experiencing. A lot of which was self-induced through resistance to what was actually happening. Owning up to how things are can feel like defeat. However, I’ve realized that acknowledging the true nature of circumstances is in no way giving up or being defeated. If anything it makes me feel stronger.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’m usually scared to let myself feel how I’m feeling cause it hurts. Being in pain and being uncomfortable sucks, I get it. And it’s still really hard for me to acknowledge when I feel like shit. What’s even worse though, is shutting off to my actual experience. It’s a question of acceptance or denial. As Pema Chödrön wrote in her book When Things Fall Apart:
“Rather than trying to get rid of something or buying into a dualistic sense of being attacked, we can take the opportunity to see how we close down when we’re squeezed. This is how we open our hearts. It is how we awaken our intelligence and connect with our fundamental buddha nature.”
Everyone has their own teachers. Whatever pain or suffering you face is valid. This is in no way a competition. Our job is to recognize and acknowledge when we are feeling those things. Running from them and denying their existence can only work for so long.
It’s funny, and kind of sad, that when we’re feeling our worst is when we tend to compound the issue by piling on with negative self-talk and criticism. But, when we’re feeling our worst is exactly when we need to be loving and kind to ourselves. Isn’t this hard enough already?
Thank you so much for reading.