Change the Change

The only constant is change. This truth begs the question, do we have any control over that change? If the answer is yes, and I think it is, then doesn’t that mean we can change how we change? 

I’m really good at identifying what needs to be changed. And I’m pretty good at figuring out what to change to. Where things get messy, is that whole middle part, where, ya know, I actually make the change. 

I’ve discovered two reasons why I’m so resistant to change. The first one is, I make it So. Damn. Hard. on myself. It usually happens like this for me. I come across some new piece of information and think “man, I should do that, that seems really great”. Okay, cool, let’s go for it.  But, simultaneously, I’m also classifying the thing it’s replacing as wrong, worn-out, and defective. That old thing I used to do, yeah I hate that now. I scoff at it. “I can’t believe I used to do that, this is soooo much better for me.” I puff up the new thing like it’s the holy grail. While sneering at how foolish I was for doing that old thing. A part of me feels really smart, but another part of me feels really dumb.

This way of changing gives unconscious power to the thing being changed. I become scared of doing that thing because I’ve labeled it as wrong. My main motivation then becomes fear. And when fear becomes the primary motivator, the new action becomes unsustainable. And unsustainable action leads to eventual relapse of the old action. Which leads to guilt, shame and more self-ridicule, cause, again, wrong! Aaaand you knew better? Double Wrong! Isn’t change fun?!

The other reason I’m resistant to change is, I tell myself what to do. It’s easier to think about this in terms of trying to get someone else to change. If you’ve tried to inspire change in another by speaking to them in statements, telling them what they should be doing, you’ve probably been met by an eye roll or two. Statements meant to change are like a dull blade against the chainmail of someone’s personality. They challenge what we know and who we are and that feels like a threat a lot of the time. So defense systems shoot up and deflect.

Well, it’s pretty much the same thing internally. I try to tell myself the “right things to do” but I’m met with resistance. So I escalate things and start making those condescending statements from above. But all these do is just reinforce my wrongness. This process tenses me up because it feels like I’m constantly under threat, from myself.

So what I’ve started doing is asking myself questions around the things I’m trying to change, rather than making statements. Is this working? How could it work better? Where do I want to be? What would responding differently look like? What might it feel like? Why do I need to believe this? What would happen if I didn’t believe this? What are my methods? What feels like it’s working? What feels like it isn’t working? When am I most open to change? When am I least open to it? 

At first, these questions sent me into panic mode because I didn’t find the answers very helpful. I mean, they were mostly guesses. It took me a while to realize that the actual answers are found in the changing of my thinking about them.

Instead of being partially demoralized and shamed about having done the “wrong thing”, I’m now able to feel little openings of possibility. Little shifts in wondering “hmmm what if?” The possibility of change sweeps sweetly in through an open window and reminds me “yeah, this is possible, and I can do it.” Also, since I’m coming to these conclusions myself, instead of being told what to do, it has made me more prone to actually doing them, and feeling good about doing them. Therefore creating a healthier and quicker buy-in.

In sociology, there’s this term agency. Agency is the ability of a person to act on their own behalf, to make their own free choices. Now, I’m not trained in this field at all, but it just feels like questioning, either yourself, or another, provides the opportunity for the creation of agency. It empowers the questionee to start believing in themselves again.

We rob ourselves, and others, of that possibility when we make demands. We’re not active in that decision at all, it feels like it’s being forced upon us. Of course we’re going to be more resistant to that.

In Lost Connections, by Johann Hari, he finds that one of the main causes of  depression and anxiety is the feeling that we have no control over our future.

A sense of a positive future protects you. If life is bad today, you can think – this hurts, but it won’t hurt forever. But when it is taken away, it can feel like your pain will never go away.

When we feel that we have no power to influence our future we become disconnected from life. When we feel like we lack that agency, it throws our entire world out of whack. For me, the possibility of a lifetime on cancer medication is daunting. That powerless feeling is hard to avoid. My thinking about it went like this, “well I better just assume I’m going to be on the medication forever. This way I’ll be pleasantly surprised if I’m able to come off, but I’ll never be disappointed. ”

This is where the questioning came in. “Do I need to believe that I’ll be on the medication for the rest of my life? What if I didn’t believe that? Is this current mindset working?” Over time, these questions have opened me back up to the possibility of this actually happening. By asking these types of questions I was able to see that what I was doing was protecting myself from the very real, more probable downside. But I stopped even entertaining the idea of coming off the medication. Which, in turn, actually made things worse. I was so focused on protecting the downside that I was also limiting the real possibility of the upside.

I didn’t tell myself that I should fully believe in the idea of coming off the medication. But by being the questioner and the questionee I felt like I had more agency in the outcome. I was able to see more possibility. The mere suggestion of it being possible was all I needed to help re-frame things. Gently questioning myself in this probing way has opened me up to the possibility of change without the psychological baggage that comes along with it. And that makes life feel so much freer.

Life is one big transition, we’re constantly changing. Paying attention to how this change unfolds is paramount. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condemning my old way of changing. This way is still very useful and necessary in certain situations. Ya can’t cover context with a blanket. Also, that way got me to where I’m at now, which is a fine place to be. And I do realize the irony of writing this post, mostly in statements. Communicating the intricacies of inner-life is paradoxical like that.

I just feel like I’m ready for the possibility of a smoother ride.

Thanks for reading!

One Reply to “Change the Change”

  1. Bro, you’ve changed! Incredibly relevant topic that doesn’t get much face-time, in my opinion. Change is scary man, yet inevitable. I don’t think you’re alone in the pursuit to understand and welcome our personal changes. Like you said, life is one big transition. We’re ultimately transitioning into the best version of ourselves, so we should jump at the chance to change, right?? I can sense a yes and a no answer there, but I believe we owe it to ourselves to consider change. Thanks for sharing, brother! Much love!

    – Colin

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