Giving advice is messy. There’s no one size fits all. It’s difficult to throw a blanket over every possible situation, yet, this is exactly what we look for. In today’s soundbite driven world, nuance is forsaken. Nuance doesn’t sell, it’s not catchy.
Although, I’m not sure how much of this “soundbite advice” is even possible. Yeah, it sounds good to speak matter of factly. However, these suggestions are not always practical. In this post I’m going to take the other side of some popular “soundbite advice” I see given all the time.
Don’t care what other people think about you.
This is given with the intention that other people’s opinions of you should not impact your self-worth or how you view yourself. If you care too much, you’ll end up a people-pleaser in the worst way. I agree, putting too much emphasis on other people’s opinions of us is an express ticket to unhappiness and living someone else’s life. Which nobody wants. The problem with telling people not to care, is that, what a lot of people do is stop seeking feedback all together. They close up. They internalize everything. Not caring about what other people think of you can morph into thinking no one cares about you real quick.
Vulnerability is the basis of connection. Being heard and understood by another individual is a truly wonderful feeling. Validation is empowerment, validation is caring. We actually need to know other people care about us. This care from others is generated by having a willingness to be seen. We can’t just stick our heads in the sand and pretend this need doesn’t need to be met. Like I wrote about in my last post, we can live somewhere in between not caring at all and caring too deeply.
Get rid of your ego.
The belief that we can get rid of our egos seems rooted in egotism. What is hard to understand, is that, stripping out our ego means also stripping out a lot of what makes us who we are. The bad parts and good parts are intertwined. When we get rid of some of the bad, we are also getting rid of some of the good. The point is, to try and minimize the control this wanting, narcissistic self has over us. We do this by making friends with the ego, not by getting rid of it. Plus, we can’t learn from it if we get rid of it.
Egolessness does not mean we are without the ego. It means not believing our way is the way. It means realizing that everything is impermanent, yes, even ourselves. It means having the ability to let go of all the self-limiting beliefs and identities we cling to so tightly. I’m not suggesting we renounce our titles and possessions to go live in the woods. While we let this stuff go, we can simultaneously cherish and appreciate it. I am suggesting that we wake up to where we are stuck. And realize that labeling a part of ourselves with this bad word, “ego”, will likely only increase our aversion to it, which makes it that much stronger.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
There’s a lot of suffering that can come from comparing ourselves to our peers and especially to celebrities. The social media age has made this imperative to understand. You are not, and don’t have to be, at the same place in your life as your peers. Where ever you are is just fine and right where you need to be.
With that being said, there is a massive amount of unrealized comfort that comes from social comparisons. The feeling of belonging is a fundamental human need. Reluctance to compare ourselves to others can foster isolation. It’s a lonely feeling when we think we’re the only one experiencing a particular situation. As a young adult with cancer, I feel this all the time. I’ve lost some of my ability to relate with my peers, cause, well, we’re just not doing much of the same stuff anymore. One of the ways I counteract this is by browsing the message boards on the Leukemia Lymphoma Website. I’ve posted there once, but I compare regularly, and man, does it make me feel like I belong. Seeing that other people struggle with the same things as me provides immense comfort. It’s challenging to find the appropriate balance between comparing too much, which may cause inadequacy issues, and comparing healthily, to generate feeling of belonging.
Be in control of your emotions.
This is usually given when someone’s emotions are causing them to act in a negative way. And yes, you should try and not do that. But it’s easy to take this literally, which may cause repression of unwanted emotions. I tried to do this, and when those pesky mind states would arise, I would get really down on myself. Thinking I was weak or a bad person. Soon I realized, that’s not how it’s done. We can’t fully control what emotional states arise within us. But, we can change how we relate to these emotions. Paradoxically, we do this by not trying to control, but by accepting all emotions. It’s said that happiness is a choice. Well, if that’s true, then every emotion is a choice. Sadness, anger, jealousy, excitement, it’s all a choice. But, this is misleading, because we aren’t actually choosing these emotions. What we are choosing, is to react to any emotion with peace, which is often confused with happiness. Peace is not an emotion, it’s an activity.
Good advice is nuanced, it contains context, it’s personalized. Ultimately though, the best advice is, just relax and find out for yourself. But actually saying that to someone isn’t very helpful in the moment. Be willing to try different ways of dealing with things and see what works for you. For a while, I was into stoicism and now, I’m really into the buddhist school of thought. Some might call them polar opposites. Life is really all about finding the line, finding the balance between these opposites. As fine as that line may be, I know we can all find it.
Thanks so much for reading.